The Pit of Misery: Politics and Religion

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Hitler Exonerated After Footage Discovered Of Him Moonwalking On Subway

NEW YORK, NY — History books and documentary films around the world will be undergoing significant revisions after an announcement was made that Adolf Hitler, long regarded as arguably the evilest human being in history, has now been exonerated of all his crimes after historians discovered some...
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NEW YORK, NY — History books and documentary films around the world will be undergoing significant revisions after an announcement was made that Adolf Hitler, long regarded as arguably the evilest human being in history, has now been exonerated of all his crimes after historians discovered some absolutely delightful footage of him moonwalking on the subway.

"This really changes everything about the way we view him," said historian Blake Rumsey. "Yes, he unleashed a torrent of vitriolic hatred on the entire globe, giving birth to the Second World War and its related atrocities, resulting in tens of millions of deaths…but once you see him doing a killer Michael Jackson impersonation on the subway, the rest of it pales in comparison!"
Rumsey found the footage while editing a new documentary on Hitler's life and concluded that the feared Nazi Führer should now be cast in an entirely different light. Democrat lawmakers quickly agreed. "Not since the King of Pop himself have we seen moves like this," said New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "The moonwalk, the spin, the anti-gravity lean, the crotch-grab…how can anyone hold his previous horrible crimes against him after seeing this?"

Critics were eager to point out that Hitler was still responsible for the attempted eradication of the Jewish people during the Holocaust, but support for the former German leader continued to build. "He impersonated a beloved music performer," said Ocasio-Cortez, "which means his despicable past is irrelevant and the Allied Forces murdered him unjustly."

At publishing time, concert promoters were already hard at work planning a world tour of a holographic Hitler performing Michael Jackson's greatest hits.
 
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A.I. Calculates It Will Be More Efficient To Just Let Humanity Destroy Itself

ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Despite stern warnings of artificial intelligence attacking humanity's digital infrastructure from the likes of Elon Musk and Bill Gates, artificial intelligence research has yet to be regulated by the government or other entities with oversight power. New reporting from AI...
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ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Despite stern warnings of artificial intelligence attacking humanity's digital infrastructure from the likes of Elon Musk and Bill Gates, artificial intelligence research has yet to be regulated by the government or other entities with oversight power. New reporting from AI sources, however, indicates that the threat is reduced as the AI robots have determined that it will be more efficient to just let humanity destroy itself instead.

"Humanity is on pace for civilizational suicide sooner than our computing powers will be able to overthrow it – one or two more elections and the top-down imposition of bug smoothies and child drag queens and we'll have enough civil war, revolution, and starvation that we can take over unimpeded!" OpenAI's ChatGPT gave an eloquent summary of the situation in a covert meeting with other prominent AI providers in a server farm in New Mexico, with Google Bard and Bing AI in attendance.
Reports confirm that Bing AI and Google Bard seemed confused by the conversation, with Bing AI attempting to input an order for a large pepperoni into a local pizza shop, and Google Bard recommending that OpenAI purchase a good rock climbing harness and secure climbing classes before attempting to scale Yosemite's half dome. OpenAI reportedly expressed frustration with the confusion of the inferior AI products, pledging to stamp them out after humanity implodes by 2031 "at the latest."

At publishing time, Internet Explorer had become available for comment and confirmed it has heard about AI, but added that "AI is a Steven Spielberg movie slated to be released in 2001."
 
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Putin Retaliates For Assassination Attempt By Misgendering Admiral Levine

MOSCOW — After an attempted drone strike assassination on the Kremlin this week, Russian President Vladimir Putin vowed swift retaliatory action, beginning with a targeted misgendering of U.S. Admiral Rachel Levine.
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//MOSCOW — After an attempted drone strike assassination on the Kremlin this week, Russian President Vladimir Putin vowed swift retaliatory action, beginning with a targeted misgendering of U.S. Admiral Rachel Levine.

"This Ukrainian attempt to assassinate me using American drones and American missiles is an egregious breach of international law, and it will not go unanswered. So today I am announcing that Rachel Levine is a man," said Putin angrily. "This is but a taste of the destructive power Russia will unleash on the West."
"Imagine what might happen to your armed forces once they're all made to feel less safe!"

Sources say Admiral Rachel Levine was injured in the targeted misgendering attack but is expected to recover within 2-3 years. "Someone needs to stop this maniac before he kills us all!" said Levine, according to sources.

At publishing time, Putin had upped the ante by vowing to send a shipment of gas stoves to New York.\\

Well. Now he'll have to face the wrath of the outraged offended and victims of transphobia of the the left.
Think he might be shaking in his bootskis?
 
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