Joke of the day

A father gets out out of the shower butt-naked and heads to the bedroom to take a nap. His young daughter sees him and notices his private parts. He quickly grabs a towel. She asks "What was that thing?" Embarrassed and uncomfortable he quickly says "its just my little bird." With this incident put behind him, he quickly goes to sleep.
Suddenly he wakes up in a hospital with excruciating pain with his daughter by his side. He asks his daughter what happened with his junk all bandaged up. She replied: "I started playing with your bird and he spit in my eye! So I cut his head off, busted his eggs and then burnt down his nest!"
 
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A large ranch owner noticed he had a "squatter" on his land while surveying his thousands of acres. He immediately went to the man and told him he was on his land and needed to immediately vacate the small piece of land he was living on. The squatter asked him why and the owner told him that his family had owned the vast property for two hundred years.

The squatter then asked how he got the land. The owner said "it was given to me by my father." The squatter asked "how did your father get it?" The owner replied "It was given to him by his father." The squatter then asked how did your grand daddy get it? The owner replied "he fought for it.!" The squatter then replied "I'll fight you for it!" The squatter lived happily ever-after.
 
Hard2Bluff said:
A large ranch owner noticed he had a "squatter" on his land while surveying his thousands of acres. He immediately went to the man and told him he was on his land and needed to immediately vacate the small piece of land he was living on. The squatter asked him why and the owner told him that his family had owned the vast property for two hundred years.

The squatter then asked how he got the land. The owner said "it was given to me by my father." The squatter asked "how did your father get it?" The owner replied "It was given to him by his father." The squatter then asked how did your grand daddy get it? The owner replied "he fought for it.!" The squatter then replied "I'll fight you for it!" The squatter lived happily ever-after.
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That's not a joke, though. @CowpokeU
 
A little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar backwards.
The little Johnny asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said,
‘I am a Father.’
The little Johnny replied,
‘My Daddy is also a father, but he doesn’t wear his collar like that’
The priest looked up from his book and answered,
“I am the Father of many.’
The Little boy said,
“My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’
The priest, getting impatient, said.
‘I am the Father of hundreds and went back to reading his book.
The little Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
“Maybe you should wear a c0nd0m, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”
 
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked,
“What is this Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don”t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
“Go get your Mother.”
 
Upon reaching 65, Bill decided to retire.
After having him underfoot for A few months, his wife became very agitated with him.
She suggested he go And do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.
Bill obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied,
“Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.
“What? Are you nuts?
You’re 65 years old and you’re going to start
Jumping out of aeroplanes?”
“Yeah, look I even got a membership card.”
“Old man, you need glasses!
This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!”
“Oh, great!
Now what am I going to do?
I signed up for 5 jumps a week!”
 
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
 
RTR...USN (ret) said:
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
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this is just like one of my crashes,
except i was ridin a wheelie on a 10-speed,
and the chick was walkin across campus,
and i wasnt married -
 
RTR...USN (ret) said:
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
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Bobby Petino didn’t find this very funny.
 
A professor at a polytechnic college (Auburn?) reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam:
“Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-a*sed student little Johnny at the back of the room raised his hand and asked.
“What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter s*xual exhaustion?”
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said…….
“Well, I suppose you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
 
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