Joke of the day

RTR...USN (ret)

RTR...USN (ret)

Shore Patrol
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A FARMER stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. He now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a mature lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The woman suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The woman looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
 
Two men were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.
They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said:
“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining:
“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said:
“Small world.”
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
‘What’s the matter, dear’ she whispers as she steps into the room,
‘Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee,
‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met. She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues,
‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears.
‘Yes, I do’ she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily.
‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car’
‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued.
‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years
‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said
“I would have gotten out today.”
 
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,

“Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The Teacher fainted
 
A boy comes home from school and tells his dad he got in trouble in gym class. The dad asks what happened? The boy says I was in a race against all the girls and I beat them all, then the gym teacher asked me how did that happen? I told him because I have a stick shift and 2 ball bearings. :ROFLMAO:
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto awoke from their camp and the Ranger quickly discovered he had an unwelcome visitor with him in his bedding. The Ranger jumped up out of surprise and a rattle snake immediately bit him on the pecker before slithering away. The Ranger pleaded with Tonto to go to the doctor in the nearest town and ask for help.
Tonto rode like lighting to the doctor and told him what had just happened. The doctor responded that the only way to save the Ranger was to suck the poison out. When Tonto returned to the Ranger, the Ranger asked "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto replied: "You dead."
 
An old woman calls the police telling them that her neighbor is exposing himself next door through his window. The police show up, looked around and could not find any evidence of this. The old lady explained that if you take a chair up next to the window, stand on it, look up and turn your head sideways you can see him doing it.
 
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