Joke of the day

A New York City hipster moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

“That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied.

A week later the hipster was back again. “I need another 100 chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him.

“Yeah,” the hipster replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.”

“Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the hipster, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.”
 
A man lost in the woods for weeks is found, but charged with killing an endangered species. The California Condor. The man pleaded his case that if he did not kill and eat the bird, he would have starved. The judge agreed with the man, said it was justified and dismissed the case.

The judge, out of curiosity took him aside and whispered "What did it taste like?" The man responded with "It was a cross between a white spotted owl and a bald eagle."
 
Hard2Bluff said:
A man lost in the woods for weeks is found, but charged with killing an endangered species. The California Condor. The man pleaded his case that if he did not kill and eat the bird, he would have starved. The judge agreed with the man, said it was justified and dismissed the case.

The judge, out of curiosity took him aside and whispered "What did it taste like?" The man responded with "It was a cross between a white spotted owl and a bald eagle."
Click to expand...
1656855253334.jpeg
 
As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside.
Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’
The daughter replied:
‘ Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
He asked her what she was doing,
The daughter said:
‘ Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
When she went in she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked:
‘What the heck are you doing?’
To which the husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’
 
Older woman has to go to a new gynecologist, as her previous dr had retired. She was very nervous, and had anxiety about the appt.

So she showered, and trimmed things up a bit. Wanting to make sure everything was also fresh, she went to her adult daughters medicine cabinet, and sprayed her undercarriage with some body spray fragrance.

She goes to the appt, gets in the chair, with legs in the stirrups. The dr walks in, and he is a jovial British man. They exchange some pleasantries, and he sits down. Just as she is feeling comfortable, he lifts up the sheet, and in an exaggerated fashion, says " FANCY!" ( you need to say it out loud, in your best brittish accent)

She was confused, and now very uncomfortable. The examination goes on, and she leaves. When she arrives home, her daughter asks how it went. " It was fine, and he was a very nice doctor, but it was weird."
"Weird how?"
"Well, when he lifted up the sheet, he said " FANCY!" , and went about with the exam"
"What the heck did you do mom?"
"I just used some of your body fragrance spray"
"Mom, i dont have any frangrance body spray, show me what you used."
The mom then goes to her daughters medicine cabnet to retrieve the canister of spray.
"Mom, this is spray on body glitter!"

She had to find another gynecologist, and thats a true story, not a joke.

My best friends girlfriend was the daughter, and she told that story so well. I met her mom at their wedding, and told her the event was fancy. I did not have the balls to say it in a brittish accent, but she side eyed me a little.
 
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
 
Granny went to the bank to deposit her $1M
She was greeted by the Bank Manager.
Manager: “Good morning, ma’am! That’s quite a fortune. May I ask where did it come from?”
Granny: “I have a knack for gambling. These are my winnings.”
M: “I have no doubt. However, our policies prevent us from accepting it due to anti-money-laundering laws.’
G: “Don’t fret, I understand, good sir. How about a bet?”
M: “I’m sorry?”
G: “I’d bet a million dollars that your balls are squared. Like two cubes in a b@lls@ck.”
M: “That’s nonsense! Well, okay. I accept. 1 million dollars.”
G: “Very well, I’ll come by tomorrow with my money & lawyer to have a look at those b@11s.”
The bank manager rushed home to double-check and inspect his testicles in the mirror. With full confidence, he can’t wait to claim his easy money.
The next day, at the bank manager’s office.
M: “Shall we get started then?”
The manager excitedly stood up and took off his belt and pants.
Granny gently reached out for his b@lls while her lawyer witnessed the preposterous sight.
G: “Hmm.. They are indeed round. Not cubes. My mistake.”
M: “Ha! No contest at all. I believe you have my money ready?’
G: “Yes, of course.’
M: “Great! What’s wrong with your lawyer? Why does he keep banging his head on the wall? Is he okay?”
G: “Well, you see, we had a bet. 2 million dollars for an old lady to fondle a bank manager’s b!11s.”
 
Bullitt08 said:
View attachment 13845
Click to expand...
In my defense, I noticed a swamp lizard talking to a Clemson fan and a Viles fan at the bottom of the cliff. My hate for the ugly orange gave me the courage to challenge my 5-star talent and take all of them out in one shot. Worst case scenario, I get rid of all 3 of them but don't survive. I made it, they didn't. You took out one because you were afraid to jump. You need to update your definition of "CHAMPIN"!
 
OldDevilDawg said:
In my defense, I noticed a swamp lizard talking to a Clemson fan and a Viles fan at the bottom of the cliff. My hate for the ugly orange gave me the courage to challenge my 5-star talent and take all of them out in one shot. Worst case scenario, I get rid of all 3 of them but don't survive. I made it, they didn't. You took out one because you were afraid to jump. You need to update your definition of "CHAMPIN"!
Click to expand...
Yep but you missed and with my superior Alabama talent took all the orange out. Plus I am still here to do it again tomorrow.
That my friend is "CHAMPIN" on an elite level.
 
An older couple sits down at a restaurant, the waitress comes over and the husband couldn't help himself, oh my your gorgeous he says to the waitress. Oh thank you very much sir, the waitress reply's. The wife looks at her husband and says why don't you tell her about your erectile dysfunction.
The man says oh I'm sorry where are my manners. I would like you to meet my erectile dysfunction, her name is Margaret.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top