Joke of the day

@batchaps4me is this rancher one of yours?

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.
The cowboy asks the rancher, “Mind if I talk to your dog over there?”
“Damn fooI, don’t you know dogs can’t talk?”
The cowboy replies, “So what’s the harm?”
The rancher shrugs, “Go right ahead.”
The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, “Howdy!”
The dog replies, “Hello.”
The rancher’s eyes pop wide open.
The cowboy continues, “Does your master here treat you alright?”
Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake.”
The cowboy asks the shocked rancher,
“Mind if I talk to your horse over there?”
The rancher replies, “Now, I don’t know what you’re up to, but I know for a fact that horses can’t talk.”
“Well then, what’s the harm?”
“Go right ahead,” says the rancher.
The cowboy says to the horse, “Hello.”
The horse replies, “Hello.”
The rancher’s jaw drops.
The cowboy asks, “Your owner here treat you OK?”
“Sure,” replies the horse, tossing his mane.
“He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather.”
“The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, Are those your sheep over there?”
The rancher looks alarmed and stammers,
“Listen them sheep out there, they’re – they’re nothing but a bunch of liars!”
 
RTR...USN (ret) said:
@batchaps4me is this rancher one of yours?

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.
The cowboy asks the rancher, “Mind if I talk to your dog over there?”
“Damn fooI, don’t you know dogs can’t talk?”
The cowboy replies, “So what’s the harm?”
The rancher shrugs, “Go right ahead.”
The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, “Howdy!”
The dog replies, “Hello.”
The rancher’s eyes pop wide open.
The cowboy continues, “Does your master here treat you alright?”
Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake.”
The cowboy asks the shocked rancher,
“Mind if I talk to your horse over there?”
The rancher replies, “Now, I don’t know what you’re up to, but I know for a fact that horses can’t talk.”
“Well then, what’s the harm?”
“Go right ahead,” says the rancher.
The cowboy says to the horse, “Hello.”
The horse replies, “Hello.”
The rancher’s jaw drops.
The cowboy asks, “Your owner here treat you OK?”
“Sure,” replies the horse, tossing his mane.
“He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather.”
“The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, Are those your sheep over there?”
The rancher looks alarmed and stammers,
“Listen them sheep out there, they’re – they’re nothing but a bunch of liars!”
Click to expand...
Auburn farmer, eh?
 
RTR...USN (ret) said:
@batchaps4me is this rancher one of yours?

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.
The cowboy asks the rancher, “Mind if I talk to your dog over there?”
“Damn fooI, don’t you know dogs can’t talk?”
The cowboy replies, “So what’s the harm?”
The rancher shrugs, “Go right ahead.”
The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, “Howdy!”
The dog replies, “Hello.”
The rancher’s eyes pop wide open.
The cowboy continues, “Does your master here treat you alright?”
Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake.”
The cowboy asks the shocked rancher,
“Mind if I talk to your horse over there?”
The rancher replies, “Now, I don’t know what you’re up to, but I know for a fact that horses can’t talk.”
“Well then, what’s the harm?”
“Go right ahead,” says the rancher.
The cowboy says to the horse, “Hello.”
The horse replies, “Hello.”
The rancher’s jaw drops.
The cowboy asks, “Your owner here treat you OK?”
“Sure,” replies the horse, tossing his mane.
“He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather.”
“The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, Are those your sheep over there?”
The rancher looks alarmed and stammers,
“Listen them sheep out there, they’re – they’re nothing but a bunch of liars!”
Click to expand...
One of mine, hell! That was me. And don't trust the goats either!
 
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet,
He asked about using one of the pills.
The son said,
“I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”
“How much?” asked Grandpa.
“$10.00 a pill,” answered the son.
“I don’t care,” said Grandpa,
“I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow. “
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said,
“I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
“I know,” said Grandpa.
“The hundred is from Grandma!”
 
One morning while a farmer was feeding the chickens, his bottle of Viagra fell out of his pocket. That afternoon he realized what happened and went running back to the coop. He was started sobbing when he saw that all eight hens and both roosters were laying there dead. "SHHHHHHH!!!!", one rooster said. "Buzzards".
 
batchaps4me said:
One morning while a farmer was feeding the chickens, his bottle of Viagra fell out of his pocket. That afternoon he realized what happened and went running back to the coop. He was started sobbing when he saw that all eight hens and both roosters were laying there dead. "SHHHHHHH!!!!", one rooster said. "Buzzards".
Click to expand...
…

I don’t get it?
 
A rather cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer in New Hampshire.
He told the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your farm.
‘ The old farmer said, ‘OK, but don’t go in that field right over yonder.
‘ The Agriculture representative said, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me.
See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.

No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?
‘ The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out:
‘Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!’
 
A priest an a rabbi were sitting next to each other on a plane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a fucking ham sandwich, doesn"t it?"
 
My clever arsenal of jokes:

Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
 
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter:

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee
 
LyquidMetal said:
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter:

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee
Click to expand...
Sounds to me like she got the D.
 
Little Johnny asked for a bike for his birthday.
His dad said:
“We’d get you one but our mortgage is $80,000 and your mum has lost her job.”
The next day little Johnny walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks:
“Where are you going, son?”
Little Johnny replied:
“I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait for coz she was coming too, I’m not staying here on my own with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!”
 
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