The Life and Times of an Idiot

OldDevilDawg said:
Yeah. When you're doing acid, you are wasting money if you drink beer. When we used to make our trips to Waikiki, we stuck to ice water.
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I have smoked enough pot to restock Colorado. When I was young, a family friend died mixing pills and alcohol so I was always afraid of that. I was in the Navy when Len Bias died so I have not ever done anything hard except for once … that was to keep from having to kill a paranoid coke head, who was an old football coach of mine but convinced that I was DEA even though I had an ounce of pot on me and was chain smoking bongs with his brother. It was my fault for being somewhere I shouldn't have been. In all fairness, the women were dancing on the coffee table.
 
OldDevilDawg said:
How damn rude do we need to get before the rest of the rejects here start posting stories? Or have we already posted shit that beats their best "shady shit"?

Because I got stories that might catch me a ban. I ain't even got started good yet.
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I have a few that are better whispered when not in mixed company. At least one or two that would make a pastor or priest ban me from church. They are the reason I could never consider running for public office.
 
batchaps4me said:
I have a few that are better whispered when not in mixed company. At least one or two that would make a pastor or priest ban me from church. They are the reason I could never consider running for public office.
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Yeah, I have a number of those involving "deployment widows". If I tell you the story of the night I "cock blocked my uncle", I'll probably have to PM it to you.
 
OldDevilDawg said:
Yeah, I have a number of those involving "deployment widows". If I tell you the story of the night I "cock blocked my uncle", I'll probably have to PM it to you.
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I am fixing to call it a night, but I have a few patrol widow stories myself. There is nothing like a kid telling his teacher, "that's Uncle Billy, except he's really not my uncle". This forum really needs a cover charge to keep people like me from joining.
 
batchaps4me said:
I am fixing to call it a night, but I have a few patrol widow stories myself. There is nothing like a kid telling his teacher, "that's Uncle Billy, except he's really not my uncle". This forum really needs a cover charge to keep people like me from joining.
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Actually, it needs to make enough money to pay nutcases like you to post. In due time, I expect you to get a check for a dollar once a month.
 
OldDevilDawg said:
How damn rude do we need to get before the rest of the rejects here start posting stories? Or have we already posted shit that beats their best "shady shit"?

Because I got stories that might catch me a ban. I ain't even got started good yet.
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I am going to break down my story into a couple of posts over today, so please bear with me:
I got discharged on a Tuesday morning. I was called at 0700 and told to get down there ASAP and since it was our boat's Yeoman, come in civvies. Since I was med boarded out, I got to collect my entire reenlistment bonus, sold 60 days of leave and my regular pay. The check was for just over $28K. I messed up at the NFCU on base and the teller actually hit the panic button. I was a little paranoid about having a lot of cash on me … had spent 2 weeks of terminal leave so I was in civvies with a beard ... so when I went in I took a deposit slip and wrote on the back that I wanted $6k in cash. When I got to the teller, I handed her the slip but forgot to give her my check … After the guns were holstered, I closed my account, got my cash and a cashiers' check and was on my way.

I left there about 1300 and drove straight to the unemployment office in Charlestown, RI(I was living off base there) and signed up for my pennies. This was preplanned because unemployment for RI was $274/week vs the $135 in Alabama. I bought a 20 year old Mercedes 280SE to restore for $1500 went home and loaded it up. Since this is my idiot thread I will share this … I was offered $5K cash for that car by a guy when I stopped for gas … I knew the guy and he restored them and shipped them to the UK for resale. I flat turned it down. Keep that in mind.

The next morning I headed down the road at about 0400 headed to redneck country. I drove the piss out of that car for about 18 hours before I stopped and got a hotel room in SW Virginia. I now live about five miles from that very hotel. I slept about 6 hours and lit back out. As I was coming over the mountains near Chattanooga the car would backfire when under a strain. I kept on … was going home without delay. When I took my exit in Birmingham(about an hour from home), well … the fricken head gasket blew. So after six years, I rolled back into town with over $25k, $274/week income in a Benz that was on a tow truck. It went downhill from there …

EDIT: I had the head gasket replaced but the heads warped. About two years later I traded the Benz for $100 and an ounce of pot.
 
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It was Thursday evening when I got home. I was dead ass tired. My cousin Mike … he was an Army Vet on tanks and also spent a year or so in Germany … rolled up as we were unloading my Benz from the tow truck … in his 69 GMC step side wanting to pawn it for a month to Dad for $150. Dad didn't have any cash on him so I told Mike that I would spot him the cash if he would smoke a joint with me and come back in the morning to take me to the bank and to get a lid of good pot. That was the first pot I can confirm I had smoked in over four years … there was one drunken Motley Crue/Whitesnake concert the night before I went to sea for the first time, but I am not sure for some reason … and it put my ass to sleep.

The next morning Mike showed up as the local bank was opening and off we went. we left the bank and went to the county line for some beer and stopped by Andy's house on the way back. Andy always had great hydroponic pot but it cost about triple the regular stuff that you could get anywhere. OTOH anything more than a single hitter was a waste. We were rolling hog legs. Andy asked what we were going to be up to that day and I said that I was trying to make it to my brother's house … I haven't seen Travis in about five years … and Andy said, "Travis is in county jail".

We left and went straight to the county jail. I went in to see what was needed to get him out and apparently I was about to bleed to death through my eyeballs. As it just so happened, the jailer was Travis' high school buddy and he knew me. He said that it was $250 cash bail for him. Apparently he left a bootleggers house trying to walk home with four beers and the police saw him staggering. He ended up with public drunkenness and possession of pot because they dropped the resisting charges. I told him that I would be back in an hour with the money. He gave me his desk phone number and told me to call it from the payphone around the corner. We went and got the cash and made the call. He said pull up and stay in the fucking car ... that if I came back in I might not get to leave. That is the first time that I was denied entry to a jail. He brought out my brother and the paperwork, I gave him the money and signed the papers "Ronald Reagan". FWIW my brother said he was busted for crawling while attempting to walk and we still use that today.

EDIT: Hang in there, I am now to the point where I can start telling the story about partying with my brother for the first time ever and helping a nekkid woman. And this shit happened before I was home for one full day ...
 
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I passed out in a very slow moving drive through after a long night of drinking in Baton Rouge. BRPD was doing security there and woke me up and took me to spend the night in the drunk tank. They were kind enough to not impound my car. Still made it to work on time the next day and my coworkers never knew. Dropped every dime I had on a lawyer, jumped through all the hoops on time, and got it reduced to reckless driving. $300 fine.
 
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